Past

Warn : During the making, I didn't really pay attention to the grammar and tenses. I just want to pour my idea as it is.

Feel free to correct my grammar error, and thank you in advance.

Oh, and please suggest better words for constricted which I use to explain the condition when your throat can't get a word out. I describe it as tercekat in Indonesian.

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Those past memories had been lingering in my mind lately. I didn't know why.

 

Sometimes, my past self would appeared in my mirror with her emotionless gaze, just like a puppet who has tired of being controlled. "Use me as you want." That's what she said with those eyes.

 

The memories also often appeared in the blink of an eye. Like, when I saw the floor, I could see my past self being handcuffed with an injured body due to my parents' abuse and that emotionless gaze. It seemed like she didn't care anymore.

 

I could handle those things. But, recently, there was something that has disturbed me so much. 

 

At unexpected times, Mother's figure would show up, looking at me with a pitiful expression, pointing out every single mistake I had made, including the fact that I was still alive.

 

No, that's not the problem. What had disturbed me the most was that she was also pointing out all the lies I had told to myself, which kept me sane until now, crushing my hopes for the future, and saying that I would live the same life as I did before.

 

It scared me so much. I didn't want to go back to those times.

 

---

 

His presence always made me comfortable. He hadn't failed in making me feel at ease, forgetting about the past and the troubles I had been struggling with.

 

But the night was getting late, and he had to went home soon.

 

He'd better hurry to catch the last train.

 

I wanted him to stayed longer.

 

He wore his shoes at the front door, checking his pockets and bag to make sure there was nothing left behind.

 

"Alright, I'll be leaving then." He looked at me with his usual smile, a warm and soothing one. It always made me put a smile on my face, too.

 

"Okay, take care." I tried to give him my best smile. I still wasn't used to this kind of expression, so perhaps it seemed unnatural for some reason. He just chuckled, patting my head softly, as if to say that I'd worked hard enough to make that smile.

 

Please don't go.

 

He once again glanced at me. It seemed like he was spacing out or something. After a while, he talked again.

 

"If you need any help, don't hesitate to call me." Still with that warm smile, he waved to me. "See you tomorrow."

 

That phrase successfully made me stunned in place, like hitting right on the source of my pain. I stared at his back, which was slowly getting away. My throat constricted; no words could came out from there.

 

I need help.

 

Please help me.

 

He was getting away. I knew I had to do something, but even my feet couldn't be bothered to took a single step. I forced myself to speak. I just needed a single word.

 

Just a single.

 

"Help."

 

My apartment hall that night was so quiet, it was enough for him to hear my hoarse voice. He turned around, looking surprised at my sudden word.

 

Then, that soothing smile came back to his face. But this time, with a hint of sadness.

 

"Why didn't you tell me sooner?" His voice was just above a whisper. He walked closer, his eyes still on me.

 

Once again, I stuttered in shock. I couldn't believe that word had escaped from my mouth. A word that I'd kept to myself all this time. I'd never had the courage to say it.

 

But that night, I did it.

 

Just when he stood right in front of me, I eventually hugged him. He looked a bit taken aback, but then relaxed and also embraced me. My body was shivering, even though that day wasn't that cold.

 

The scared feelings just showed up on the surface right after I said that word. My throat still constricted. But, being in his embrace made me feel protected. I can't help but feel safe, even though the scared feelings still lingers.

 

"You always keep everything to yourself." He started to stroke my hair gently; perhaps it was his act to made me calm down. "You also have that unreadable face. How can I notice that you've been carrying many burdens until now?"

 

I could sense his worry. His hand was also trembling a bit. I still couldn't speak, so I just let him stroke my hair, resting my head on his chest in silence. I could hear the sound of his fast heartbeat. He surely worried about me.

 

After a moment of silence, he spoke again. "I'll stay tonight. Of course I won't leave you in a situation like this."

 

I just nodded. We broke the hug and walked back to my apartment room. 

 

I didn't want to think about the past, nor the future. 

 

I just wanted to enjoy the present, with him by my side.